Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Family Portraits

Most people see me as 'that mom'.. You know, the mom that cooks homemade food, bakes cookies & cakes from scratch & mend socks, all while being the good little wife & helping my eldest child with 7th grade honors math geometry. That perfect little mom that everyone would like to have as the pinata at the next birthday party....

Well, I am that mom. But I'm far from perfect.

See there's a reason why I try to be all of those things to my kids. There's a reason why my kids are my entire world sometimes, why I hover over them, haven't taught my teens how to iron yet, or cook anything more than a few dishes....

It's because I had a far from perfect mother.

Let me first start off by saying that I really do love my mother. I just can no longer consider her anymore than the biological incubator that had really great qualities but more demons than I deserve to see.

Last week, I had her drive from her home in another state and attack me in front of my kids & husband... Her reason being a lack of respect over the phone and on facebook to her. Even the cops had to laugh at that one, so you can too.

May I remind you, I'm in my thirties... She hasn't spoken to my kids nor I since New Years....blah blah, crap that you don't need to know.

See, I came out of the womb as my mom's enemy. I'm a poster child that pro-lifers should hold up and be amazed by....*rolls eyes* The story pretty much goes as this: My mom was 18 when she became pregnant. She was scared, young, she went to the clinic to terminate me... My dad stopped her. He promised to take care of her & this baby. And they lived happily ever after.... Well until she left 10 years ago.

I was an adult by that time & with my own family. It scared me at first, then it became what it is. I was over the split up... but not the strained relationship, if you want to call it that, with my mom. We stayed cordial because of my kids. I wanted them to love her & I wanted her to love something of mines. I wanted her to see although she wanted to get rid of me, & had no bones in telling me this growing up, that I did something right. Look what I did right in my life, Mom!

Well that didn't work out as well as it played out in my mind. In my mind, it played out like a mix of Steel Magnolias & Beaches all rolled into one... with the exception of no one dying.

Anyways, back to the fight last week & why I'm an annoying mother...

We both said what we needed to say to each other. I made sure she knew that I hold my father solely responsible for the person I have become. I have a good heart, and a good head on my shoulders because he never showed me anything different but strength, discipline, unconditional love... And he never had to say he loved me but did when he felt it was needed. She reminded me of how she should have gotten rid of me, in several ways that she tried to. Yeah, did I mention that this was in front of my kids? Yeah it was. I've made my peace with that part of the mom episode. After 30+ years of knowing that I was never wanted, and you still being here, can it really hurt you? Not really.

With that said, that's all I'll pretty much say about the fight. But it does bring me to the reason why I'm a mom like me. I'm a hovering, overly affectionate, try to be the best mom I can be because of what I didn't have. I know what having a mom like mines does to a person. Here I am, in my 30's with 5 kids & a wonderful husband that I was blessed to know all of my life, I love them they love me, I'm honest, blunt & doesn't back down to much in my life, BUT with probably the worst self esteem you could ever have.

Parents initiate pretty much how your self esteem is going to play out as an adult. My dad did his best to help. Even my mom has her great qualities... I don't have memories of being in corners crying while she screamed... I had a good childhood. But like Dr Phil says, "It takes 1000 I love yous, to take away 1 I hate you" or something like that... I never have a sense of 'belonging' anywhere. I feel like I'm bothering people or that they see all my imperfections. I keep my own husband at arms length sometimes because the fear of being rejected even trickles down to him. It's not paranoia where I need help, I just don't get close to anyone other than my kids. I never realized it until last week.

I had one of those trophy moms... She's pretty, at every event, always knew what to say.... But one on one with her was never good.

So I promised myself and my children when they were born that I would never be one of those moms... My kids would never feel like they were a whoops... I never regretted ANYTHING in the almost 14 years of being their mom. I wasn't going to be those moms who look AMAZING on the surface but need a straight jacket behind closed doors. They would see that everything I say I do, and that I was going to let them know how awesome they are every day..... EVEN when my 2 teenagers drive me to the point of needing to look at their baby pictures to keep me from going nutso on them, I love them!

So in closing, YES, I am that mom. That mom who can bake a cake in 2 hours notice, fix dinner, help with homework & do laundry for 7 people in one day. I'm that mom who will get up & go get last minute project supplies, volunteer at the school & still have time to talk current affairs with my husband.... Because I made sure my kids would never feel like me. I paid the cost to be a mom like me.... So the next time you or you hear someone say "She thinks she's perfect".... The truth is, She probably doesn't think she's perfect. She's just a mom who's trying to be the best mom she can be... just like you.